Don't Have The Heart
by Rocket Fuel
Summary: Sora gets intimate with Kairi and gets nothing but guilt from it. He runs to Riku for comfort and realizes that he doesn't really love Kairi. Onesided SoraKairi, implied RikuSora. Warning: Sexual implications, shounen ai, and tons of OOCness.


**Disclaimer: Kingdom Hearts doesn't belong to me. If it did, RikuSora and AkuRoku would be canon, Namine wouldn't exist (I love the girl, I just don't think she's necessary. ...Well alright, she has an important role but that's beside the point), and all of the Organization XIII members would still be alive.**

** Author's Note:** Well folks, you probably assumed I kicked the bucket and gave up on writing. I'm not fully dead but I really don't write anything unless I have a sudden spark of inspiration. So here's a special treat for you. Though, it's not really a treat since it was written by me (worst author to ever come into existence). Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy it and review. Critique is welcome. Flames are not.

**Warnings: Sexual implications, shounen ai (male on male), and a bunch of OOCness thrown everywhere.**

**Summary:** Sora gets intimate with Kairi and gets nothing but guilt from it. He runs to Riku for comfort and realizes that he doesn't really love Kairi.

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The kiss is heated and needy and there's a lot of touching and moaning and their clothes are starting to get too hot and heavy to wear- so why doesn't he feel anything? Why doesn't he feel anything when he's touching _there_ and Kairi gasps and moans. Why doesn't he feel anything when she pulls him in for another hot and fevered kiss? And why doesn't he feel anything when she's saying "I love you" and he says "I love you too"

It's strange. He tries to get intimate with this girl he supposedly loves the most in the world and he feels _nothing_. Well, besides incredible guilt when he's unzipping that cute little pink dress and kissing his way up her neck. And it feels just so _wrong_ when he takes off her bra and starts massaging her breasts. And he practically wants to run out of there when shes moaning and panting and saying things like "more" and "take me"

He never felt so disgusted with himself before in his life. But he _loves_ her and he's forcing himself to do this. Because she wants it and she loves him and is begging for it so badly. He has to make Kairi happy. It was his duty to make Kairi happy. He loves her, doesn't he?

So when they're both naked and sweaty and Kairi keeps smiling and saying, "It's okay, Sora. I love you. I trust you." he just really doesn't want to go through with it but this will make Kairi happy. And Kairi deserves to be happy. So he forces himself to smile at her and position himself at her entrance. And he forces himself to have sex with this girl that wants it so badly from him.

When Sora woke up the next morning, he was about ready to cry. Wasn't he supposed to be happy? He loved Kairi didn't he? So why did he feel so terrible and wanted nothing more than to wish it all away and have things go back to the way they used to be? So when Kairi wakes up and gives him a sleepy but cheerful, "Good morning, Sora." he has to plaster on a grin and return the greeting.

Sora ran to Riku's house that afternoon and ran straight into his arms when the older boy opened the door. He starts breaking down and sobbing and clinging onto his best friend's shirt as if it was his only hope to survive. So Riku does the only thing he can do and returns the embrace and asks Sora what's wrong and brings him inside to sit on the couch. And Sora just tells Riku about the awful thing he did and how horrible he feels and about how he wants it all to just _go away_.

Riku offers Sora some words of comfort and pulls him into another hug. Sora decides that he rather likes Riku hugging him. It's nice and warm and he feels protected and the hurt is slowly melting away. So Sora pulls back a little and his eyes meet Riku's. And then he leans forward just an inch so their lips slightly brush because it felt _right_ at the time. The kiss _did_ feel right and comforting and Sora wonders why it does. Then he suddenly realizes just what he's doing and who he's kissing and pulls back quickly. Riku just gives him a guilty look and then quietly says, "That kiss... it felt right." and Sora can't help but cry again and bury his face into Riku's chest.

Riku thought it felt right too. So what did that _mean_? If having sex with Kairi felt so _wrong_ and sharing a quick, innocent kiss with Riku feel _right_, then what does that _mean_?

...Could it mean that he loves Riku and not Kairi?

No. No. No no no. It couldn't be. He had _sex_ with Kairi. _Sex_. And he was taught that you're only supposed to do that with the person you _love_. And he _told_ Kairi that he _loved_ _her_.

Then he finally realized it.

He really didn't love Kairi. He had _sex_ with someone he didn't love and _lied_ to her.

No. Oh god no. He sobbed even harder and continued to cling onto Riku. He continued to cry and choke out "Oh god, what have I done, Riku?" over and over again while the Riku just held him and tried to tell him they'd work it out and everything was going to be alright.

But they didn't.

And it wasn't.

When he talked to Kairi the next day, he couldn't tell her how he really felt and they continued to do the things they did the night before. So Sora had to continue to keep up the charade and put on a fake act for Kairi because he couldn't break her heart like that. He had to continue to be a terrible person and live out a lie to make Kairi smile and keep her happy. He hated it. Sora continued to cry every afternoon after that in Riku's warm embrace with strong arms wrapped around him and a soothing voice whispering, "Shh, don't cry, Sora." in his ear, and soft, gentle kisses pressed to his forehead in such a loving and caring way.

Because really, he didn't have the heart to tell Kairi he didn't want hers.

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**Author's Note (again!): **Love it, hate it, I'd like to know your thoughts. Review? Decent reviews are very much appreciated. Tell me what you like, what you didn't like, what I could change, anything of the sort. Again, criticism is welcome. Flames aren't.  



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